


of aching and wishing

by afflatus



Series: if you need me, i'll be here [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Mark Lee (NCT) Needs a Hug, Slice of Life, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, and he got that hug, i wrote this to express myself, nothing major tho they ain't toxic... i hope, slight Codependency Issues, undiagnosed depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:42:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27780070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afflatus/pseuds/afflatus
Summary: Sometimes, Mark feels overwhelmed and ghosts everyone for a little while. His boyfriend comes over to offer comfort.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Series: if you need me, i'll be here [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2032288
Kudos: 61





	of aching and wishing

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to the person i love with all my heart who goes through frequent slumps. i'd die before i let you read this fic but i love you and i hope that you know that i'm always here for you. i wrote this in the other person's pov to help myself understand you a little better, to put myself in your shoes, because it gets hard for me too sometimes but i'm trying.
> 
> this is also dedicated to everyone out there who is going through a hard time and everyone who is trying their best to support the people their love despite all the difficulties. i see you guys and i pray that things will be better for us soon.
> 
> haven't written anything in a long while so forgive me for being rusty. god, when will i ever write something that's not angst?

Mark is fucked up.

Well, not fucked up in the psychotic murderous way but he honestly feels like there is something seriously wrong with him. If not, how does one explain all his quirks and tendencies that usually end up hurting the people around him? It is not that he _intends_ to hurt them but he just cannot help it. After all, it is something that is ingrained deep inside of him, either due to previous emotional traumas or as a form of coping mechanism.

That is why when he opens the door to his apartment only to be met with Yukhei’s concerned face, the feeling that slaps him right on his face is guilt. Pure guilt.

“Hi,” Yukhei says with a small smile on his face.

Mark returns the smile with his own yet it does not quite reach his eyes. “Hey,” he replies, shuffling his feet nervously. His heart aches at the sight of this man in front of him and he wishes that the pain would go away. It only serves to add on to his self-hatred because Yukhei is everything that he is not.

“You haven’t been answering my calls or replying to my texts and everyone else’s so I got worried,” Yukhei explains quietly, the concern never leaving his face.

“Yeah, I just,” Mark trails off, not knowing what to say. What is there to explain, anyway? He knows that it is wrong for him to disappear without a word, causing everyone else to worry. It amazes him how Yukhei still worries about him even after more than a year since they met when the latter already knows all about Mark’s tendency to shut the world out. “I’m sorry,” Mark offers at last.

Yukhei’s eyes soften visibly at the apology and Mark’s heart aches even more. Understanding flashes in his eyes and Mark wishes that everything is different. They have been dating for almost eight months now and yet Yukhei still stays despite everything.

Mark knows that he is not someone easy to be with. He has a load of baggage that he still carries around with him. He gets into slumps often enough that causes him to feel too mentally and emotionally unstable for any sort of social interaction, hence his constant disappearance. He does not open up easily and it takes a lot of work for Yukhei to break his walls down. In fact, the walls have yet to be broken. Instead, Yukhei only managed to build a door and his access to Mark’s vulnerability depends on the latter’s choice.

Still, Yukhei stays.

“May I come in?” his boyfriend asks tentatively, as if afraid that the littlest mistake could make Mark slam the door in his face.

Mark hesitates. “Um, it’s a mess in here,” he says quietly, hoping that Yukhei would leave but at the same time hoping that he would not leave. A total paradox, really. He misses Yukhei when he gets into his slumps but he cannot find it in him to reach out to him, almost as if all of his energy has dissipated into thin air rendering him unable to do anything except lie in bed for days.

“It’s alright, I don’t mind.”

Despite the guilt that he is feeling, Mark’s heart skips a beat anyway. He opens the door wider and Yukhei enters after taking off his shoes. His boyfriend leans down to press a quick kiss to Mark’s cheek. Feeling taken aback at the unexpected action, Mark feels his own cheeks heat up and he begins to feel self-conscious. He closes the door and watches as Yukhei looks around the apartment.

The apartment is dark as the windows are closed and the curtains are not withdrawn. Yukhei switches on the lights and the rest of the state of the apartment is revealed. There are empty beer cans on the floor and leftovers from Chinese takeout on the table. Moving closer, it is obvious that the food has gone bad because of the smell. Unwashed dishes lay in the kitchen sink and clothes are strewn everywhere. The smell of tobacco stinks in the air, adding on to the sorry state of this apartment.

Mark bites his lower lip nervously. He really does not want Yukhei to see this. It is not his first slump but it is the first time that it has gone on this long. It is also the first time that Yukhei has ever seen the genuine mess that Mark is. He should have turned his boyfriend away when he requested to come in. He should have said no. But how could he do that when he has been pushing Yukhei away long enough?

He is not a fool, really. As much as he would like to remain oblivious, he knows the pain that he causes Yukhei. He knows that it hurts his boyfriend that Mark is unable to give him the quality time and affection that he needs. He knows that Yukhei genuinely loves him and would give up the world for him but Mark is barely even _alive_ to reciprocate. Yukhei has been really patient with him yet Mark is unable to give him the intimacy that he wants.

Physical intimacy is not a problem for him, though. He is open to it and would not mind if Yukhei ever wants to have sexual intercourse with him. However, Yukhei, for whatever reasons, _refuses_. Just like how Yukhei is waiting for him to be emotionally intimate with him, Mark is waiting for them to be physically intimate. He is fine with their dynamics. They make it work somehow.

The truth that Mark cannot deny is that Yukhei deserves better. He tries to fight every single day to be better for his boyfriend but it is just so hard. He is barely functioning as a human being. He does not know how to maintain his relationship in a healthy manner. So, he lets Yukhei take the lead in everything. He is too afraid to want only to be rejected. He is too scared of letting people in only to be abandoned.

Mark watches Yukhei carefully as the latter takes in the sight before him. He feels nervous and vulnerable, preparing himself for his boyfriend’s reaction. Then, Yukhei turns to him and envelops him in a warm embrace. Mark squirms a little. He is grateful that he feels a little better today and managed to shower after four days of rotting away in his bed. At least, he does not smell bad. That is also the reason why he was able to get up from his bed and open the door when Yukhei rang the doorbell. Otherwise, he would have just ignored it.

“I’m sorry I’m a mess,” Mark whispers quietly as he finally returns the hug, holding back the tears that threaten to fall. He really feels guilty, sorry and worthless for being the way he is. He wishes that he is healthier and more stable so that he would be able to be the person that Yukhei needs.

“Don’t apologise, silly,” his boyfriend responds. “I love you for who you are, no matter what. I told you before, didn’t I? I’ll never give up even when things get rough. I’m always here for you, babe.”

At that, tears finally stream down Mark’s cheeks. He feels overwhelmed with love and he is certain that he does not deserve this at all. But he is selfish so he basks himself in Yukhei’s warmth and affection, letting it soak over him fully just to feel a little better.

He feels a lot better.

The truth is, what they have may not be one hundred percent healthy. Mark needs Yukhei because Yukhei offers everything that he has ever wanted. Yukhei is a source of stability and security that he needs in his life. Yukhei is precious and what Mark feels for him is special. He has never quite felt like this before. Yukhei makes him feel like it is alright for him to _want_ , to _need_.

In a way, Yukhei needs Mark too. Mark is not blind. He can see how much Yukhei aches to _fix_ him. Yukhei likes to be needed so having Mark dependent on him is something that he cherishes, something that he enjoys. That is why Yukhei still stays no matter what. As long as Mark still needs him, he would stay just to make the former feel a little better, a little healthier.

“I love you too,” Mark replies softly, feeling comforted by the embrace. They are still holding each other, neither of them wants to let go.

Mark prays that this feeling would never fade.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! it ain't much because i'm just using this as a platform to express my own feelings but i hope you enjoyed it and felt the ache that i was trying to convey here.


End file.
